Tom vs. the Couch

Ken: Hello and welcome to another round of non-celebrity boxing! I’m Ken Wiggles

Larry: And I’m Larry Noble. Folks, we have an excellent match for you tonight. There’s been an ongoing grudge between Tom and the Couch and the Couch has had the upper hand since it was moved closer to the TV.

Ken: Let’s go down to the ring for the introductions.

Ring Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! In this corner, weighing more than a breadbox but less than a gorilla, wearing grey sweats, Tom!

[[ Crowd cheers! ]]

Ken: He looks like an underweight Rocky Balboa

Larry: Yes he does, not to mention grey sweats went out of style by the time Rocky II came out.

Ring Announcer: And in this corner, weighing enough that it’s perfectly fine where it is, we don’t need to see what it looks like in the other corner, wearing burgundy mohair upholstery, the Couch!

[[ boos, catcalls ]]

Ken: And the bell rings for round 1, and Tom immediately hops into the car to meet somebody for a 10 mile run. Wow, what an opening!

Larry: Well, Tom has always been strong in the opening rounds, but the Couch has never been an opponent that can be taken out quickly. It likes to let the competition wear itself out, then asserts itself in the later rounds.

Ken: Round 2, and the Couch comes out strong. It’s using indecision about what to have for dinner to lure Tom in. But wait, Tom showers, shaves, puts on some decent clothes, and takes his wife out for dinner. Holy cow!

Larry: Very nice escape of the indecision trap. Tom’s been putting a lot of effort into remembering there’s clothes in his wardrobe besides T-shirts, and it really paid off here.

Ken: Round 3, and the couch has lured Tom into its grasp with morning coffee. And the headphones are on! The headphones are on!!!

Larry: The Couch has really been building up it’s collection of soothing music. It’s gotten really good lately at getting a hold of Tom and not letting go.

Ken: Tom fights back. He’s off the couch and paying bills online. Now he’s outside and getting the hose out.

Larry: Looks like he’s going to wash the car. Very interesting strategy to use a relatively easy and low intensity activity to keep moving after the run yesterday.

Ken: But Tom is obviously showing signs of fatigue. He goes into the basement looking for the hose nozzle, then back to the garage, then back to the basement before finding it.

Larry: This is how the couch works, it waits until you’re not at your best, then tempts you with relaxation and the promise that there’s no wrong way to lay on a couch.

Ken: And he forgot to turn on the faucet for the summer, so it’s back into the basement again. All those stairs have got to be doing a number on Tom after all that running yesterday.

Larry: Not to mention all the bending over trying to rinse salt off the underside. But Tom is comfortably dressed for the cool air, and he’s filled the bucket with warm water, so he’s gone out of his way to make this task pleasant.

Ken: He’s finishing up now. Wheels washed, looking for any spots he missed. And he goes inside before cleaning out the bucket and winding up the hose! Oh no! What a stunning turn of events.

Larry: Tom was looking so good, and then the couch blind sided him with lunch and a Nascar pre-race show. He’s down. He’s contemplating a nap. The referee begins to count.

Ken: And while the referee is counting, let’s take a break for a word from our sponsor: Rest-EZ mattresses.