Crap… in a few more words

My father in law is dying of cancer.  Dawne has left her job to take care of him with the help of a Hospice service.  I’m splitting my time between working, helping Dawne where I can, and clawing my way out of the dark emotional pits I occasionally fall into.

I struggle with uncertain situations and with the feelings of powerlessness that happen when you simply don’t know what to do.  My job can push those buttons enough when customer issues come piling in, but at least it’s reassuring to know that we have lots of customers and business is booming.

It’s tougher to think positively about death, but let’s try anyway.  We all have do die, so there should be nothing tragic about going through the process relatively comfortably at an advanced age, at home and with visits from friends and family.  Feelings of loss and sadness are inevitable, but to think this won’t happen someday is delusional.

But there are challenges too.  As a person loses the ability to walk or even stand, some bodily functions take on a peculiar combination of difficulty and messiness.  In a hospital or nursing home there’s trained staff to deal with this.  When doing hospice at home, it’s all learned on the fly and usually without warning in the wee hours of a Saturday night.  This is when you learn what “Primary Care Giver” really means.

In such a situation it’s surprisingly easy to rise to the occasion and do things you didn't think you were capable of.  For a brief moment the emotions shut down and you simply act.  But then at some later time the emotions turn back on and suddenly everybody at the Stop and Shop is an idiotic moron who’s just in the way.  I can’t handle the uncertainty of deciding which style of pasta to buy, and am flooded with feelings of helplessness.  And when I get back to the office and try to get back into the work routine I suddenly find myself in another of those dark pits.  Why can’t emotions function in a more logical manner?

Things will be okay.  We are living through an exceptional time in what had already been a challenging year.  It’s a time of change, of personal growth, of tears and dark humor.  We will come out the other side and return to normal.  We'll be slightly older, wiser, and have a different perspective on what’s really important in life.