Day 104, Anxiety

I’m struggling today.  The moment is not being seized.  Affairs are not being put in order.  My ovaries hurt.

Let me back up a bit.  Last week I had the second injection of Xgeva, that magical substance derived from genetically engineered hamster ovaries.  I’m blaming it for my recent flare of pain, though evidence is mostly circumstantial.

I’ve been reading about other men’s experiences on an online prostate cancer forum.  It’s very helpful to see what other patients have had for treatments, and their various results and side effects.  Yes, some other people have had flares of joint pain during treatment, and later scans have shown that the treatment worked very well.  It’s some amount of consolation that there may be a very positive outcome for the suffering I’m going through at the moment.  But…

… the online forum can be very worrying.  Many men don’t do as well as I do.  Some start off doing well, but then the treatment stops working, and the treatments after that are disappointing.  Every few days there’s a post about another member who has finally lost his battle.  It all paints a picture of a terrible disease that can be managed for a while, sometimes decades, but inevitably will turn against you.

So on that happy note, let’s get back to my pain.  It seems my sacroiliac joint is angry.  I didn’t even know I had this joint until yesterday, but when I pointed to where it hurt the nurse practitioner mentioned it, and then a follow-up with Dr. Google provided more information.

I thought my hip bone was one solid bone all the way from my hip to my right hip.  Nope. There’s actually a bone on either side referred to as iliums, and one in the middle called the sacrum which supports the spine and upper body.  The sacrum is joined to the iliums via the sacroiliac joints.  This explains so much!  Like most joint issues, once it gets moving and loosened up the pain goes away, which explains why running usually doesn’t hurt.  On the other hand, not moving the joint and putting it in an odd position will hurt, which explains why sitting can hurt depending on the chair and my posture.

So it seems reasonable to blame the recent bout of pain on a combination of treatment and overuse due to too much activity.  It was worth it though, as I greatly enjoyed being able to split firewood again.  But today I’m spending a lot of time on the couch because tonight is indoor track night and I’ll be giving it more abuse then.

Unfortunately, laying around gives me too much time to think about tomorrow.  It’s been about three months since that horror show of surgery and its aftermath that removed a tumor from my bladder.  Three months means it’s time for a follow-up cystoscopy to see if the cancer has returned.  This is a highly unpleasant procedure involving passing a video camera up the urethra and into the bladder.  It supposedly is a very small camera, but it feels like one of those full size cameras from TV studios back in the 50s.  You know the ones that are about 5 feet tall and get wheeled around the stage?  That’s what it feels like going in, wheels and all.

So I’m understandably anxious about the procedure itself.  I’m even more anxious that they might find something.  I don’t know if it’s a rational fear or not.  I do know that back in October I had two cancer diagnoses in one month.  It was an awful time when my worst fears weren’t even close to how bad reality actually was.  Now I’m worrying about the possibility of another surgery while in the middle of chemo.  Let’s hope that fate doesn’t try to exceed my expectations again!