This post should have been written last week and posted exactly six months after diagnosis. It should have been a long list of amazing things I’ve been up to and generally paint a picture of a man abusing his medical leave from work. But recovering from chemo hasn’t been the picnic I expected it to be. Falling far short of those expectations with increasing levels of pain put me into a deep pit of despair. I’ve since clawed out of the pit and recovered enough to write again. There may be some muddy finger prints on the first draft, as I haven’t quite gotten all the despair pit mud out from under my fingernails, which happily seem to be growing again.
I fully expected to be weak, have poor stamina, and perhaps a bit of brain fog (potentially enhanced by medical marijuana) after chemo. I had also expected the pain would rapidly fade and the other side effects would dissipate. My ear hair would probably start growing back, but I would be okay with that provided other, less visible hair also grew back. Did I mention how annoying it is not to have nose hair?
What actually happened is that after a few days where my expectations almost seemed realistic, disaster struck in the form of what I think is a pinched sciatic nerve. The pain spiked and my toes started tingling, but much of the time it would rapidly come and go with different sitting positions.
It took a few days, some Ben-Gay, a heating pad, ibuprofen, and even a bit of medical marijuana to start to think constructively about my situation. Assuming my blood work is giving an accurate indication of the state of my cancer, this should be an orthopedic problem now, and not a cancer problem. An internet search about how to relieve sciatic pain at home suggested using the yoga “pigeon pose” among other things. Ha ha, that’s a good one. I can’t even come close to doing pigeon pose. Allow me to spend a paragraph explaining how inflexible I am.
I sometimes refer to my alter ego, “Obstinate Man”. Obstinate Man is as inflexible as they come, both physically and mentally. Obstinate Man believes that these newly fangled front wheel drive cars with the transverse engines won’t catch on. Real vehicles have a V8 engine spinning the rear tires through a solid axle and will always be a transportation staple. Who needs the expense and complication of an independent suspension? The family fleet includes not one, but two such V8 powered, live axle driven dinosaurs. That’s how inflexible Obstinate Man is on vehicle choice, and that’s how inflexible he is physically as well.
Of course, such mental inflexibility and obstinate thinking also has its benefits. My expectations may seem laughably optimistic in retrospect, but I’ve actually met some of these “unrealistic” expectations. Insert cliche here about only those that attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. It does work a surprising amount of the time. The only trick is not feeling down on the frequent occasions where absurd expectations aren’t met. It’s something where I still need a lot of practice.
Prior to my amusement at the thought of myself doing pigeon pose, I actually did have a number of good days with some surprising achievements. As detailed in my previous posts I’ve returned to exploring the Midstate Trail. I’ve gotten out the chainsaw and turned a sizable fallen branch into some sizable logs that need splitting to fit into the stove. I even spent Saturday morning helping clean up the roadsides in anticipation of the coming Groton Road Race.
Of course, these weren’t all overwhelming victories. The chainsaw showed that it’s still really painful to hold a heavy object while bending over. The roadside cleanup showed that bending over repeatedly for an hour, even in the absence of heavy objects, can make my digestive system wonky. Running and walking still seem to be well tolerated as they don’t involve heavy objects or bending over, but it’s still easier than I’d like to overdo them. Sitting is sort of like bending over and can still get on my (sciatic) nerve after a while, particularly if the seat is jiggling and bouncing because it’s bolted to a moving vehicle with a poor ride due to an antiquated live axle in the rear.
At the moment it seems the heating pad is the best thing for pain relief. Yes, it’s even better than medical marijuana, though not nearly as much fun. I’ve started being a bit more careful about not antagonizing my sciatic, and have been spending more time resting on the couch. My favorite way to pass the time recently has been binge-watching Scrubs on Hulu. Like Monty Python, it’s a good fit for the way my mind works.
How strange are the workings of my mind? Last night, after waking up in the wee hours with pain (this is a rare occurrence, thankfully), then getting a hot flash from the heating pad, I was feeling very discouraged. In my pain and misery a very silly thought occurred to me: What if there was a man named Jesus (pronounced “Hey Zeus”, of course), and he started a business that made various cremes, balms, and ointments with healing qualities. He could advertise his business with a billboard that said, in big letters, “JESUS SALVES”. (look twice at the second word if you don’t get the pun)
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