This is actually very difficult to do. In mathematical terms, "Cancer Diagnosis" + "Internet Access" = "Paranoid Hypochondriac". Every little ache and pain must be the cancer coming back... I must do everything to fight my disease... I'd eat a tree if it would cure me... I should be spending each waking moment figuring out which tree to eat to fight cancer. (side note: the chemo I received was a synthetic version of a compound from a yew tree) And then an epiphany occurred.
Avoiding death is no way to live a life. Setting goals, exploring one's limits, growing as a person, helping others, loving, laughing, crying. That's what life is all about.
So far I've tried to be audacious in my goal setting. Get my PSA to undetectable, check! Run a 30 minute 5K, check! Hmm, those weren't nearly as hard as I imagined. In an attempt to be even more audacious, I recently signed up for the Baystate half marathon on October 20th.
Ten years ago Baystate was my first ever half marathon. October 20th will be a year and a day after my diagnosis. What better way to celebrate a year of surviving cancer than to retrace my steps as a new runner a decade ago?
In the time since first thinking of a fall half marathon, it's gone from seeming challenging, to being a slam dunk, and back to being a challenge. It all has to do with how my body is feeling from week to week, and right now I have "the pain".
The pain is my frequently sore sacroiliac joint. It's also an area that still showed activity on my latest bone scan. Could be cancer, could be overuse and arthritis (which could show up in a bone scan), or maybe some combination of both. There's no way to say for sure without a biopsy. In the meantime, the formula is now "Cancer Diagnosis" + "Internet Access" + "Non-specific symptoms" = "Anxiety" + "Paranoid Hypochondriac".
To provide some perspective, the only time in the past year when I've been completely free of "the pain" was about a two week window around the end of June. This also corresponds to a time when I went six weeks between bone strengthening shots that are normally given every four weeks. Hmmm. This is also a very common problem in runners, and given the mileage I've been running it's somewhat amazing that a known weak spot hasn't been giving me more trouble.
The reasonable thing to do would be to take my running down a notch and focus on strengthening the muscles that support the joint. Fewer miles, slower pace, and some key body weight exercises. That would be the reasonable thing. So of course when "the pain" was near its peak I went out and ran another 5K. In deference to the pain, I didn't give it a 100% effort and still ended up with my second fastest 5K this year, and still faster than any I ran at age 40. I'm not exactly debilitated by the pain.
Since that 5K, I have been a bit better about sticking to the run less and strengthen more plan, and so far results are encouraging. I'm much more comfortable today. Also interesting is that the humidity is lower today and it's now been two weeks since my most recent bone shot (for my regular readers, this is the substance made in genetically engineered hamster ovaries).
So I'm still well on track to pull off a half marathon in October, but my A goal of beating my time from 10 years ago is in jeopardy. Of course, it being an A goal means it should be difficult to achieve. I also have B and C goals, which still seem reasonable.
Of course, if I still have the pain in another six weeks at my next oncology appointment, I will mention it, and most likely he will consider my blood work and my running mileage and not order any scans or biopsies to investigate further (assuming said blood work doesn't have any evidence to support my paranoia). My pain and paranoia has so far been an extremely poor predictor of the state of my cancer.
Beyond that, my body is still changing. I'm probably still recovering from chemo and radiation, and still adjusting to the lack of hormones. Hot flashes have picked up in intensity since returning to work, and that's probably due to a combination of hotter weather and an increase in caffeine intake. My hair is growing back with newfound curliness and more unmanageable than ever. I'm still losing weight and what muscles I did have are being covered by a layer of fat. Through all of this, people regularly come up to me and say something along the lines of "wow, you look amazingly healthy, I heard that you're cured".
Nope, not cured. Still on treatment to suppress testosterone and that is continuing to work by all objective measures. In the grand scheme of things I am doing amazingly well and am very thankful and happy to be alive and enjoying life. Life is good! That doesn't mean I'm not dealing with some profound changes in my body and in my mind, and also the anxieties and paranoia that seem to affect all cancer patients.
But still, life is good, and I'm going to run another half marathon! Continuing to retrace my steps as a younger runner would lead to running the Boston marathon in 2021. I could run for charity! Raising money for charity scares me more than running the marathon. Hey look, an audacious goal that requires personal growth to reach! This is living life!
To provide some perspective, the only time in the past year when I've been completely free of "the pain" was about a two week window around the end of June. This also corresponds to a time when I went six weeks between bone strengthening shots that are normally given every four weeks. Hmmm. This is also a very common problem in runners, and given the mileage I've been running it's somewhat amazing that a known weak spot hasn't been giving me more trouble.
The reasonable thing to do would be to take my running down a notch and focus on strengthening the muscles that support the joint. Fewer miles, slower pace, and some key body weight exercises. That would be the reasonable thing. So of course when "the pain" was near its peak I went out and ran another 5K. In deference to the pain, I didn't give it a 100% effort and still ended up with my second fastest 5K this year, and still faster than any I ran at age 40. I'm not exactly debilitated by the pain.
Since that 5K, I have been a bit better about sticking to the run less and strengthen more plan, and so far results are encouraging. I'm much more comfortable today. Also interesting is that the humidity is lower today and it's now been two weeks since my most recent bone shot (for my regular readers, this is the substance made in genetically engineered hamster ovaries).
So I'm still well on track to pull off a half marathon in October, but my A goal of beating my time from 10 years ago is in jeopardy. Of course, it being an A goal means it should be difficult to achieve. I also have B and C goals, which still seem reasonable.
Of course, if I still have the pain in another six weeks at my next oncology appointment, I will mention it, and most likely he will consider my blood work and my running mileage and not order any scans or biopsies to investigate further (assuming said blood work doesn't have any evidence to support my paranoia). My pain and paranoia has so far been an extremely poor predictor of the state of my cancer.
Beyond that, my body is still changing. I'm probably still recovering from chemo and radiation, and still adjusting to the lack of hormones. Hot flashes have picked up in intensity since returning to work, and that's probably due to a combination of hotter weather and an increase in caffeine intake. My hair is growing back with newfound curliness and more unmanageable than ever. I'm still losing weight and what muscles I did have are being covered by a layer of fat. Through all of this, people regularly come up to me and say something along the lines of "wow, you look amazingly healthy, I heard that you're cured".
Nope, not cured. Still on treatment to suppress testosterone and that is continuing to work by all objective measures. In the grand scheme of things I am doing amazingly well and am very thankful and happy to be alive and enjoying life. Life is good! That doesn't mean I'm not dealing with some profound changes in my body and in my mind, and also the anxieties and paranoia that seem to affect all cancer patients.
But still, life is good, and I'm going to run another half marathon! Continuing to retrace my steps as a younger runner would lead to running the Boston marathon in 2021. I could run for charity! Raising money for charity scares me more than running the marathon. Hey look, an audacious goal that requires personal growth to reach! This is living life!
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