Tis the season for posting gratitude lists on social media. I've been meaning to make one for myself, but it somehow seems superficial. Yes I'm thankful for the usual things such as friends, family, having a place to live, my health... oh, wait a minute, can I be thankful for my health when cancer may cut my life drastically short?
I've been struggling emotionally with my cancer diagnosis the last few days. It's a period of relative calm as I've mostly recovered from surgery and radiation but haven't started chemo yet. Thinking positive thoughts and spending time with friends helps for a while, but it's a temporary fix and sooner or later I have a moment alone when all the fears and worries come out. It hits me that I could do everything possible and the cancer could still kill me in a few short years. Hysterical sobbing usually follows.
It's not an inspirational moment and probably the less said the better. Let's leave it at I do have my weak moments as it's exhausting being strong all the time. I also worry that these moments of being an emotional and worried wreck aren't helping my chances of a recovery, which feeds more worry and negativity into the mix.
So what is the way forward? How do I find peace with a major health issue and so much uncertainty? One possible answer is radical acceptance. This is the idea that everything is as it should be. It doesn't mean approving of everything, just accepting it. In other words, not denying reality. It's part of the Buddhist concept of seeing everything correctly.
In my mind, it's a small step from acceptance to thankfulness, which raises the question, "Can I be thankful for my cancer?" Of course, the instinctive answer is "Hell No!", but let us consider the consequences of that answer.
Cancer is an undeniable and decidedly imperfect part of my body. If I'm not thankful for my body as a whole, then where does that leave me? Can I be at peace if I don't like my body? Everyone has to play the hand they're dealt (or in this case, the entire body, not just the hand, but I digress). My challenge is to be thankful for still being in the game and having a hand to play, even if I don't like some of the cards that are in that hand.
And while cancer is generally considered "a bad thing", there is some undeniable good that has come out of it. I didn't know how many friends I had and how much they loved me before, and for that I am truly thankful. I am slowly learning to make the most of each day even though no day is perfect, for which I am also thankful. As an example, I can't wait to run the Thanksgiving 5K tomorrow morning, and the fact that it will be super-frigid-cold will just make the experience more epic.
So my challenge to you on this week of Thanksgiving is to find something bad in your life and try being thankful for it. Look for the silver lining in the clouds. See how both the good and the bad have made you what you are today, and continue to shape who you will be tomorrow should you be lucky enough to have a tomorrow.
The astute reader will note that at no point did I explicitly express thankfulness for my cancer. I'm still struggling with that, and may decide that simple, non-judgmental acceptance is good enough. If it were that easy I wouldn't call it a challenge.
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