Day 136, The Dark Days of Chemo

It’s that time in the chemo cycle where my optimism that the side effects won’t be so bad this time is punctured by reality.  That reality is that the effects are mostly getting worse each cycle, as if this chemotherapy thing would eventually kill me if the cycles continued indefinitely.  Happily after one more cycle they will stop and with a slight bit of hope and some time my body will make a full recovery.  That is, excepting the bits of cancer.  We want those bits to die and not recover.  Based on how I’m feeling today, they’re having a slow and painful death.  Hope they like the taste of chemo!

Not that long ago I blogged about how I was able to clean up after a blizzard during the first weekend after treatment.  Yesterday a measly inch of snow defeated me.  Just pushing the snow to the edge of the driveway was causing muscle pain, which is a brand new side effect for me.  Somebody more circumspect than I might calmly take a break at this point, but not me.

When pushing my limits I’m supposed to break through them and do amazing things and post all about it on Facebook.  But not this time.  Definitely not this time.  I became frustrated.  I knew it was time to take a break but first I needed to send mother nature a message so I opted to angrily and forcefully stab my shovel into the nearest snowbank.  Of course, such extreme feats of strength are punished with muscle pain, and I ended up on my back on the driveway waiting for the consequences of my obstinacy to wear off.

On the digestive front, constipation was about to change to diarrhea as usual, with the accompanying need to scurry off to the bathroom urgently.  Of course, with my newly discovered muscle pain, it turned out to be more of a blend of hobbling and a silly walk rather than a scurry, but it was still fast enough.

But it turns out I didn’t actually have much diarrhea, just epic amounts of gas.  Unbelievable amounts of gas.  Not just a quick “brap”, but sounds that had a beginning, middle, and end.  Some farts had verses and a chorus.  I began to give them titles, such as “The Ballad of Bean Burrito”, even though I’m wisely avoiding beans and Mexican food until my digestive system stabilizes.

So today I’m feeling sore and sleep deprived with a very sensitive digestive tract.  The cat decided to keep me company by laying down in my lap.  Now there’s two things you need to realize about our cat to understand the full effect of this moment.  The cat is very shy, and until today would only lay down in my wife’s lap.  Now that I’ve been home for a few months, he’s gradually warmed to me and finally, today, decided not only to walk onto my lap but actually stay there and receive some petting.

The second thing about this cat is that he has to spent at least 5 minutes kneading your lap and everything around it before lying down.  This included my very sensitive lower abdomen. So here I am, defeated and suffering chemo side effects, with the cat in my lap for the first time and he’s forcing his paws repeatedly into my tender abdomen, and I’m taking it because he’s so darn adorable.

Speaking of the cat, I had a strange nightmare not long ago.  I dreamed of coming back home from a weekend away and finding all the other cars missing.  It seemed the cat had a bender of a party while we were gone, and the cars taken out for joy rides and abandoned after being crashed or driven into lakes or who knows what.  I never could get a straight answer out of the cat.  I woke up not only angry at the cat, but wondering how to file an insurance claim without a police report, which the cat failed to get.  I can’t believe the feline is that irresponsible.  Does anybody else ever have nightmares like this?

So this was my first weekend of cycle five.  I’m a bit pessimistic at this time, but that’s a natural consequence of the treatment and generally not feeling well.  My goal right now is to get through this period without making any important decisions, and see how I feel later this cycle, and especially how I feel after my next and last cycle.  Sometimes I just have to be patient and let the cat beat me up a bit.