Ken: Welcome back to our continuing coverage of Cancer Gladiator 2019. Today we’re in the middle of an exciting game between the Oakville Obstinates and the Prostate Piranhas I’m Ken Wiggles, and with me as always is Larry Noble.
Larry: Thank you Ken. For those that are new to Cancer Gladiator, it combines the best of reality television and live sports. We take a team of healthy cells, called a body, and secretly introduce a team of hostile cells, called a tumor, and let them fight. The game ends only when the body dies. The referee will then declare the body the winner if the cause of death is not attributable to cancer.
Ken: And let us not forget about the controversy with Barton Hogback last year.
Larry: That’s right Ken. Hogback was riding his motorcycle last year without a helmet when he was hit by a truck and killed. The referee ruled the death as semi-intentional, disqualified the body, and declared cancer the winner.
Ken: Had he shown any signs of being suicidal?
Larry: Nothing obvious Ken, though fans still debate whether his sudden interest in base jumping and extreme ironing (https://www.google.com/search?q=extreme+ironing) were bucket list items or a death wish.
Ken: I’ve just heard our sideline reporter Amy Whinemore has an update with Piranhas coach Richard Duckface. Amy…
Amy: Thank you Ken. Richard..
Dick: I prefer Dick
Amy: Okay.. Dick, what’s your assessment of the game so far?
Dick: Well the Piranhas got off to a great start as we were able to stay hidden despite several PSA screening tests and that allowed us to play a lot of offense before the Obstinates even knew they were playing Cancer Gladiator. We were able to move out quickly and establish lots of strategic positions. I was very pleased with how easily we were able to infiltrate and take widespread control of the bones.
Amy: But then the Obstinates fought back.
Dick: Yes they did. We were expecting them to bring in outside help once they knew they were in a fight to the death. What we weren’t expecting were the multiple coordinated attacks. That really caught us off guard, and we’ve had to fall back and consolidate our positions.
Amy: So what’s your strategy from here?
Dick: Well, we have to regroup. The Obstinates strategy has really slowed us down. Most of our players are either dead or on the disabled list at the moment. We’ll have to look at the few players we have left who are still effective and try to learn from them how to counter what the Obstinates are doing.
Amy: Coach, one final question. With a name like Richard Duckface, did you have to deal with cruel nicknames when you were younger?
Dick: No, why would you think that?
Amy: Ooookay… Ken, back to you.
Ken: Thank you Amy. Well, the Obstinates have fought back hard. Larry, I understand you’ve been analyzing their strategy?
Larry: Yes I have. It seems the Obstinates have learned from watching film other other Cancer Gladiators and are playing stronger offense early on. A few other teams have been doing this recently with much success. We expect more teams to be doing this in the future because it is a copycat league.
Ken: Yes, well we have come a long way from the days of leeches and bloodletting.
Larry: Not as far as you’d think given the number of blood tests the Obistanates have had.
Ken: Good point. We now go down to the Obstinates locker room where head coach Tom is giving a pep talk during a pause in the action.
Tom: Okay guys, gather round… quiet down… Dan, you can flirt with the nurses later. Alright, settle down, do I have everybody’s attention? Just wanted to say I’ve been really impressed with the effort put in by this entire team, and that effort combined with a few lucky breaks has made a huge difference. Right now we’re winning big time but we can’t let our guard down. The Piranhas are excellent at making midgame adjustments to counter our strategy so stay alert out there. I know a lot of you are banged up and hurting, but I’m going to ask you to go back out there and keep fighting as if your lives are on the line, because they are. I also have a few announcements.
First, Harry Taxotere has been moved to the inactive list. He’s been our star player recently and done a lot of damage to our opponent, but we all know he has had some problems off the field and doesn’t get along well with all of you. In particular the follicle and digestive squads have really been hampered by his antics. He’s still officially a member of the team, and we may reactivate him if and when we think he can make a positive contribution.
We’ve recently added Lenny Lipitor and Johnny Celecoxib to special teams. They will be in a support role and attempting to interfere with the Piranhas’ strategy. In particular I’ve asked Johnny to work with Xavier Xgeva on disrupting their attempts to re-establish offensive positions in the bones.
Some of you have complained about the recent menu changes in the team cafeteria. Unfortunately this was necessary because we’ve caught several Piranha players breaking in and stealing pizza, hamburgers, and desserts. Cutting back on the inventory of those items and adding more tofu, fruit, and nuts should reduce the thefts and leave more for you to eat.
Finally, we’re in contract negotiations with Enrique Zytiga. He’s a great offensive player and should keep the Piranhas on the defensive for a long time to come. Unfortunately there are salary cap issues and we’re working through those with league president Andre Bluecross. I can’t give you any more details than that at this time.
Okay team, it’s time to get back to the game. The odds have been stacked against us all along, but we’re winning right now and if we keep at it we just might beat those odds and get every last Piranha. Every cancer cell you kill today is five you don’t need to kill tomorrow! NOW LET’S GO!
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